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Ned (2003)

  Directed by: Abe Forsythe
Written by: Abe Forsythe
Starring: Michala Banas, Josef Ber, Nick Flint, Abe Forsythe, Drew Forsythe, Damon Herriman, Caitlin McDougall, Jeremy Sims, Felix Williamson
Links: Ned on the IMDb, Official site
Genre: Action
Awards: AFI Awards: Best Film 2003 (nominee)

This movie gets: 1.00 (1 rating)
nofreelist.com Ranking: not yet ranked (awaiting 2 ratings)

Ned (2003) is also mentioned in pearly's review of The Extra (2005) and pearly's review of You and Your Stupid Mate (2005).

"Bananas? What?" - a review by pearly

An incomplete list of things that aren't funny:

  • Eating a toasted cheese sandwich
  • Finding out that you have cancer
  • Writing an essay about computing in the human context
  • Realising when you're halfway to work that you forgot to turn the iron off
  • The movie Ned

One of the things in the list above is meant to be funny, but isn't. I'll see whether, over the course of the next few minutes, you can figure out which one.

As the movie begins, it is the present-day Glenrowan. A young hooligan comes across an old man who offers to tell him the real life story of Ned Kelly. The boy says he doesn't want to hear the story, but the old man starts to tell it anyway. Just to make sure you get this joke (he doesn't want to hear it, but the man tells it anyway!), it's repeated numerous times throughout the course of the movie, whereupon it becomes less and less funny (if that's possible). Also, the old man is actually not an old man, but is in fact a middle-aged man made up to look old. I believe that this is because no-one over the age of forty wanted to be in this crappy movie, so director / writer Abe Forsythe was forced to hire his father (Drew Forsythe).

The story told by the old man then comes to life, but the movie doesn't get any better or any funnier. At the Kelly's house, there is a cameo by Chris Truswell, who played Nudge in Hey Dad!. This brings on more groans than laughs, but it is probably the funniest bit of the whole movie. Seriously, it's all downhill from there.

Ned leaves his family to join the gang, riding off on a pony (seriously, it's a pony, not a horse, and the repetitive jokes about this stop being funny about ten minutes before the first one was told). Along the way, Ned laughs it up with his gang - at one point, he buys one of the gang members laxatives instead of whatever other pills he's meant to be having, and you can just imagine the hilariousness that results from that little purchase. The boys also visit a brothel, run by Cornelia Frances, and containing yet more opportunities for "humour" (Michala Banas and Bree Walters were probably conned into accepting their parts as prostitutes whilst working with Abe on the since axed Always Greener).

All the while, Ned is chased by Governor Sinclair, who, as it turns out, ends up being Ned's father. This is meant to be a delightfully funny play on Star Wars: Episode V - The Empire Strikes Back (1980), but I'm pretty sure you can figure out how funny I thought it was. Especially as Sinclair was played by Felix Williamson, and I've made my opinion on him quite well known (just in case you haven't figured it out yet, I think he's an idiot who can't act, isn't funny, and can't do accents).

Ned also boasts a heap of other fairly well known Aussie actors in cameos or smaller parts. They should be embarassed to have been involved: Jason Donovan, Andrew Daddo, Angela Keep, Grant Bowler, and more (okay, so most of these should be embarassed by more than just their roles in this movie). And, of course, there's Australian Big Brother 2's John Cass playing a gay cowboy. Ergh.

Surely the only good thing about this woeful movie is that it gives me the chance to add to the list of movies that I have given a 1 to.

pearly gives this movie 1 out of 10.
Review created on Thu 23 Oct 2003

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Reader comments

  1. We love the truth brother.

    A comment from Dude on Mon 03 Nov 2003 17:50 #

  2. Pearly, you have no taste in films, the movie Ned was amazingly funny starting off slow at the start but got into it straight after that with leaps and bounds. With many a diffrent cammios from diffrent aussie actors to add to the comidy. 10 outa 10 for this well done Abe Forsythe for you first major attempt at a film it payed off!

    Rating given: 10

    A comment from Brent on Fri 07 Nov 2003 15:57 #

  3. Greatest movie ever.

    Rating given: 10

    A comment from SpooN on Sat 08 Nov 2003 16:56 #

  4. Well........I loved the movie, I thought Abe did EXCELLENT in it, and he is one of my fav Actors now...I'll watch n e thang with him in it. I thought it was funny the whole way through I was laughing on the floor, and Abe did a great job for his first big directed movie.......Well done Darlz...

    Rating given: 10

    A comment from Kirsty on Fri 14 Nov 2003 21:47 #

  5. This is the funniest Australian movie i have ever seen!!! It's even better when u consider abe forsythe(the director/writer) is only 23 and still learning and gaining experience. I believe the cameo appearance by Nudge got many laughs and was funnier than it was annoying... sure there were a lot of flaws (the stupid "i dont want to hear the story but the narrator cant hear me so he'll tell me anyway" and the "laxatives" joke) but there were more enjoyable moments. The laxatives joke has been done before in many movies but abe brought an original idea to it... "i can see clearly now the pain has gone, etc." Laughable moments include the immitation of tribal council from survivor... I cried when i first saw the "he don't love you know/nsync" scene where the gang sneaks a 1800s gramaphone into the bank before robbing it and cueing up n'syncs he dont love you, no song and then started to line dance and then rob the same bank... a lot of foreigners would not get the comedy company nostalgia jokes that were carefully placed throughout the movie (including con the fruiterer) i think the funniest part of the movie was sinclair... "One for me (in a posh english accent) and one for my homies... respect..." "can someone please get me a towel..." "you idjiots!!! i havent finished yet" u suck pearly, you are a critical arsehole

    Rating given: 10

    A comment from Albert on Tue 27 Jan 2004 00:57 #

  6. pearly you're a loser cant you tell a good movie when you see one? if you had such a problem why did you continue to watch it? I thought Ned was great with a great australian cast

    Rating given: 10

    A comment from Cassie on Sun 29 Feb 2004 20:22 #

  7. YO PEARLY, u dont have any good taste, NED is one of the best movies i have seen, ABE FORSYTHE did great, hes soooooo cool. MWAH love ya abe

    Rating given: 10

    A comment from steph on Sun 21 Mar 2004 21:04 #

  8. Obviously the only thing that is boring and not in the slightest bit funny is pearly. This is the best Australian movie so far and just cause you have no taste in humour, doesn't mean you can critise ned. If you want old humour, go watch a COMMEDIA DEL ATRE` comedy.

    Rating given: 10

    A comment from melissa on Wed 24 Mar 2004 14:33 #

  9. Pearly, everyone is entitled to their own opinion, which I respect, but I completely disagree with yours. I thought it was very funny, brilliant story, I laughed & laughed & laughed. Marcus - loved your bank scene!

    Rating given: 10

    A comment from Theresa on Wed 24 Mar 2004 22:56 #

  10. Congratulations Abe i thought the movie was brilliant. My all time favourite australian movie. i laughed all the way through it and have been driving friends crazy repeating lines. Comment to pearly: Lighten up dude. Its meant to be a pay out of the true ned kelly story and although based on a factual timeline is meant to be taken in an entirely comical manner. Any typical australian should love this movie.

    Rating given: 10

    A comment from Bianca on Tue 27 Apr 2004 22:47 #

  11. Pearly, sad sad person you are. I enjoyed Ned, it is light hearted silly humour. Lets face most good humour is silly.

    Rating given: 10

    A comment from Robyn on Sat 25 Sep 2004 19:14 #

  12. I loved Ned. I'm an american who's been living in Australia for the past few months, and we totally got bombarded with tons of Ned Kelly stories and facts. We visited the Melbourne Gaol, went to Glenrowan and saw the scary-ass animatronic theatre, saw where he was shot, saw the Heath Ledger version...we were Kelly'ed out. But my friends and I caught this show on HBO and fell in love. The only thing wrong with it was that our friends would never understand why we love it so much.

    Rating given: 9

    A comment from Amy on Sat 08 Jan 2005 01:41 #

  13. This movie was one of the most consistantly funny films I have seen in a long time. Sure, a few of the jokes fell a little flat but for the most part, I was in hysterics. I too, have been driving my friends insane quoting it, unfortunately with it being an Australian film and all hardly anyone I know has seen it, which is a real shame. Best moments:

    -The 'He Don't Love You' choreographed dance routine in the bank

    -The 'Quiet Time' campfire scene

    -The leprechaun at the bridge

    -The disgusting old man

    -The performances, particularly by Felix, Damon Herriman, Drew Forsythe and that kid (think the characters name was James)

    A comment from jezebel on Sun 06 Mar 2005 14:05 #

  14. this movie roxs!!

    Rating given: 10

    A comment from cass on Sat 12 Mar 2005 10:05 #

  15. This Movie Fucking rules

    Rating given: 10

    A comment from browney on Tue 15 Mar 2005 19:13 #

  16. top notch true blue aussie comedy
    PEARLY SUCKS

    Rating given: 10

    A comment from Bill on Mon 21 Mar 2005 18:57 #

  17. Abe is such a hottie!

    Rating given: 10

    A comment from Kate on Sat 09 Apr 2005 19:52 #

  18. if u don't like this movie you are crazy becasue Abe is such a hottie adn this movie is histericle!

    A comment from Abby on Sat 09 Apr 2005 19:53 #

  19. GOsh Abe is cute1

    Rating given: 10

    A comment from Sally on Sat 09 Apr 2005 19:54 #

  20. NED IS THE BEST FUCKING MOVIE IN THE WORLD DONT DISS IT HALO MICHAEL FALZON IS IN IT AND HE SINGS IF THE MOVIE ISNT FUNNY ENOUGH 4 A WANKER LIKE PEARLY U CAN AT LEAST LISTN TO FALZONS VOICE

    Rating given: 10

    A comment from julia on Wed 01 Jun 2005 22:57 #

  21. ok that woz a bit harsh soz but STILL

    Rating given: 10

    A comment from julia on Wed 01 Jun 2005 22:59 #

  22. hahahaha this movie is a fucking classic (excuse the language). you gotta love the aussie humour.It pretty much sums up the stereotypical views that every other country has about australians and pays it out!! bloody fantastic movie. especially the bloody pony or should i say "blood drenched pony" ha gotta love it.

    Rating given: 10

    A comment from JaCi on Sat 30 Jul 2005 20:59 #

  23. this was the funniest movie i have ever seen. it was so funny when that guy shot the lepricorn. that cracked me up for ages!!!

    Rating given: 10

    A comment from J1S J1S on Thu 15 Sep 2005 21:34 #

  24. Dunno what ya on about Pearly, this beats every comedy i've seen in the past few years! Forsythe is a legend!

    Rating given: 10

    A comment from Blokeman! on Sun 16 Oct 2005 22:07 #

  25. I can tell you are a yank pearly

    Rating given: 10

    A comment from Jeremy on Sun 27 Nov 2005 14:23 #

  26. i dunno what you're on about pearly...then again everbody's made that pretty clear by now...i stopped consiously reading your review after "director / writer Abe Forsythe was forced to hire his father (Drew Forsythe)"

    you have no respect for Aussie talent mate!

    A comment from cliffy on Mon 28 Nov 2005 09:29 #

  27. Actually Jeremy, I am, and always have been, Australian.

    A comment from nofreelist's own pearly on Wed 30 Nov 2005 08:32 #

  28. Its one of my all time faves, its genius!!!!!!!!!! i think pearly just pretends to dislike it coz he doesnt understand great australian humor

    Rating given: 9

    A comment from rosee (http://www.nedkelly.com) on Sun 25 Dec 2005 21:22 #

  29. Actually rosee, I am, and always have been, female.

    A comment from nofreelist's own pearly on Tue 03 Jan 2006 14:50 #

  30. Pearly, your like some one i know who has to critize everything. Ned was awsome and i bought it as soon as i could find it! AND WHAT IS WITH THE OVER-SIZED TEXT OF YOUR SITE!?!?!?!

    Rating given: 10

    A comment from Meatasaurus on Wed 04 Jan 2006 13:45 #

  31. Okay, obviously this film is targeting audiences between the ages of 15 to 35 as not to many people over 35 i know would enjoy this (ie. my parents) i think judging by the way you quote Pearly you are not within this group, i think a younger film critic would be better to judge this film. However, if you are within the targeted audience, you've given your opinion so fair enough. By the way i'm 17 and this is the funniest bloody movie i've seen in yonks, NED GETS A 10!

    Rating given: 10

    A comment from Benchwarmer on Sat 07 Jan 2006 13:20 #

  32. Actually Benchwarmer, I am, but haven't always been, in that age group.

    A comment from nofreelist's own pearly on Mon 09 Jan 2006 08:45 #

  33. Why is Pearly allowed to rate movies? He gave this movie a 1/10, at the time fo writing this the average is 9.92/10...

    NED RULES. "I need penicillin Ned. more penicillin. I need more. Penicillin."

    Rating given: 10

    A comment from Stan on Mon 09 Jan 2006 12:28 #

  34. Okay, so when do we get to hear these 2 new ratings?

    A comment from Benchwarmer on Mon 09 Jan 2006 23:36 #

  35. This movie was hilarious! My friend put it on when i was staying overnight, and i thought "i've never heard of this, it looks boring" but it was the funniest movie i've ever seen in my life! "i need more penicillin Ned, more penicillin....more....penicillin...." CLASSIC!

    Rating given: 10

    A comment from Mel on Tue 24 Jan 2006 21:24 #

  36. HAHHAHA I CAN'T FIND A COPY OF THIS ANYWHERE BUT SAW IT A WHILE BACK FUCKING HILARIOUS FUCK U AND U YA GAY ASS TRANNY PEARLY.... SOZ CAPSLOCK IS BROKEN LOL

    Rating given: 10

    A comment from meh on Thu 30 Mar 2006 20:09 #

  37. haha, i fucking loved this movie and u hav no sense of humour if u didnt laugh during it! its awsome!!! its love

    Rating given: 10

    A comment from beh...lol ash on Tue 25 Apr 2006 23:00 #

  38. Ha ha, pearly you are a minority

    Rating given: 9

    A comment from PredictableHero on Sat 29 Apr 2006 15:59 #

  39. This movie was awesome.
    Perly you really have the shittest taste in movies ever. You have no friends

    Rating given: 10

    A comment from Gabe on Wed 07 Jun 2006 15:27 #

  40. THIS IS DA BEST AUSSIE MOVIE EVER!!!
    it gave ma my faith back in Australian films... n it's just so fucking funny! lol... "I didn't care about Dan, Steve of the fag in the green dress" lol.. that poor bloody hampster lol yer the bank scene totally rock'd.. and the "gang council" that was the best idea ever... and "Stop shooting you dago homo" lol "you were shooting at sticks, you've all seen the posters, YOU PUT THEM UP"
    priceless.. as you can tell i loved NED.. but i cant find be'n sold ne where cause i wana get it on DVD.. that's the only bad thing bout it

    Rating given: 10

    A comment from jella rella on Fri 16 Jun 2006 10:29 #

  41. loved your movie me and my friends always watch it its good

    Rating given: 10

    A comment from Dana on Fri 21 Jul 2006 11:16 #

  42. Loved your movie it is soo coll my friends and i saw it first in grade 7 and still constantly watch it.IT ROCKS send us a copy as our video shop took it of the shelves.....!!!!!love melinda and dana

    A comment from dana on Fri 21 Jul 2006 11:19 #

  43. Whoops i ment cool lol ok anyway it a horse not a pony and rubber rubber rubber

    A comment from Dana on Fri 21 Jul 2006 11:22 #

  44. my god pearly u a dikhead!!! Ned is the funniest movie i hav ever seen. i am deeply offended by ur comments n it sounds like ur an arrogant bastard!!!!!

    Rating given: 10

    A comment from lob on Sat 29 Jul 2006 19:23 #

  45. My God. This film enlists the use of classic Austraian Humour that we, as Australians, are well know for! No where else in the world has ever been able 2 replicate the hilarity of such fils like Michael Caton's "The Castle", Paul Newman's "Crocodile Dundee" and now the young but extremely talented Abe Forsythe's "Ned". This movie reminds me of an old "inside joke" that you have amongst friends. No one from outside australia, without having been "Kelly'ed out", would understand half the jokes that Forsythe has skillfully peppered this script with. I dont like to hack on others opinions, but Pearly there is one thing i need tosay about your review, because it was bassically the only bit i read, otherwise im sure there would be more. "Also, the old man is actually not an old man, but is in fact a middle-aged man made up to look old. I believe that this is because no-one over the age of forty wanted to be in this crappy movie, so director / writer Abe Forsythe was forced to hire his father (Drew Forsythe)." I believe that THIS IS HALF THE HUMOUR!! the "old Man" looks as though his skin is about to slide of his face! he is supposed to look humourous! And somehow I think that Drew Forsythe would be close to being over 40, otherwise he fathered Abe at the tender age of 14 or 15. If you didnt really undertsand the humour, or like the film, there is no need to be so nasty about it. If you haven't got something nice to say, Dont say anything at all! Other than that, have a nice day! :D

    Rating given: 10

    A comment from Majenta on Mon 14 Aug 2006 14:07 #

  46. Pearly, come on... This is one of the most bitter reviews I have ever read. What IS funny is that it has got this reaction out of you while so many others are professing their enjoyment. I will now see this movie because you hate it that much. And judging by the spiteful style of your writing I reckon i'll love it.

    A comment from zero on Mon 02 Oct 2006 08:33 #

  47. Abe is a true talent. He's an incredibly interesting actor to watch and he's a literary wizard. What's 'Pearly' talking about? Pearly reminds me of a teacher I had in primary school. She never gave me good marks in English because she didn't recognise talent. Now I get paid an absolute mint for writing!

    Poor old Pearly...you have a 'pearler' of an attitude, don't you, you little pearl? Never mind, sometimes our jealousy poors out of control. I think rather than criticize Abe, perhaps you would like to try to out-do him. Good luck! ;-)

    Rating given: 9

    A comment from Emz on Thu 09 Nov 2006 16:40 #

  48. "Sinclair was played by Felix Williamson, and I've made my opinion on him quite well known (just in case you haven't figured it out yet, I think he's an idiot who can't act, isn't funny, and can't do accents)."
    WTF is wrong with u, hes tryn to do an accent - I cant believe u dnt get that.
    OMG, words cannot explain how much of a downer u r pearly.
    And the shit thing is, ppl r gona read this review and think that its a sht movie and not bother to scroll down

    Rating given: 10

    A comment from connors on Fri 08 Aug 2008 17:12 #

  49. i was meant to say funny accent

    Rating given: 10

    A comment from connors on Fri 08 Aug 2008 17:13 #

  50. You just don't get this movie do you Pearly. :)

    Rating given: 10

    A comment from Ryan on Sun 17 Aug 2008 20:13 #

  51. this movie is great... pearly get a life and a sense of fucking humour... u knob.

    Rating given: 10

    A comment from reggie on Thu 25 Jun 2009 22:44 #

  52. Pearly... you ARE a knob. would you think it was funny if the boy was talking to a young man or no one at all, would it be? would it be funny if he actually had a horse? no. The movie was, what i thought, awesome. The sets were great, and the actors good. I wont profess my love for abe but it was good. i still watch the movie and was added to the collection of "Super Troopers", Grandma's Boy" and now "The Hangover". which im sure you have given all of them such a bitter review for which (i know) you would be destroyed for. like this one.
    9 out of 10 for this.

    Rating given: 9

    A comment from OblivionHells on Tue 02 Mar 2010 22:10 #

  53. TO THE FIRST IDIOT YOU ARE A DICK WATCH T AGAIN MAYBE YOU WILL GET IT THEN!!

    Rating given: 10

    A comment from BOB on Wed 24 Mar 2010 21:24 #

  54. Abe Forsythe :D....that is all.

    Rating given: 8

    A comment from 01010101010101010101 on Sun 30 May 2010 16:33 #

  55. pearlys probably some shitty american and has no idea.

    Rating given: 10

    A comment from ben Reid on Sun 09 Jan 2011 00:38 #

  56. You are an effing loser mate. I will actually knock your head in. the only reason you didnt like this movie is because your head is so far up your own ass that you couldnt see the screen, all you could see was yourself taking a shit on your face!!

    Rating given: 10

    A comment from Wazzmatron on Mon 14 Nov 2011 00:41 #

  57. One of the funniest movies I've seen in a while.

    Rating given: 10

    A comment from Sasa on Tue 14 Aug 2012 22:39 #

Those who have commented give this movie: 9.85 (46 ratings)

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